Last week the Brewster School's PTA organized a discussion regarding Child Safety: Lessons Learned from Sex Offenders. It was an extremely informative talk, coordinated with the Putnam Child Advocacy Center, the Putnam DAs Office, and the Carmel Police Department. I was quite saddened to see less than 50 people show for the talk, especially since most seemed to be school staff. I posted on a local parents page about my disappointment and I was asked to write up some of what I learned.
I hope that you will find the information useful as well...1 in 20 are predators. Go to the grocery store, look around, at least 1 in that crowd is probably a predator. Please don't believe it can't happen to you. The Putnam Child Advocacy Center has a wonderful group of staff available to help you with questions or guide you to future discussions. They are also putting on the Safety Fair Day, event article located in this week's edition.
Learn from other parents' mistakes. If you don't think it will happen to your kid, what about your child's friend, your sister's children? Know what signs to look for, how to react if any child chooses you to help them, and what your child should do if they are in danger or someone they know is in danger.
The most important piece I learned:
if you suspect something, call the police. Do not call the person you suspect. Do not call the school. Do not call the transportation department. Call the police. The police are trained to monitor and catch this person. If the person knows someone is onto him/her, s/he will destroy any evidence they can before the police arrive.
You can also contact the NYS Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-342-3720 and they will help you.
The most important statistics that I heard included:
1 in 20 men will sexually abuse someone. That can include showing pornography, taking pictures of genitals (child’s or their own), ‘sexting’, etc.
The ACTUAL estimate on how many kids report it is closer to < 5%. OF THAT, <5% are false allegations. BELIEVE YOUR CHILD.
Abusers are NOT always abused themselves. Abusers are most likely men and the victim is usually women…..if you believe the logic of cycle of abuse, then the majority of abusers would otherwise be women.
Abusers will usually NOT leave physical evidence on the child. They are working hard to make the child feel good, so they are not physically beating or verbally demeaning a child.
There is a grooming process, and it can take weeks or can take years. That person it working hard to make your child and YOU trust him.
This person can be an upstanding citizen in the community…a coach, a political leader, a spiritual leader. This person can be handsome or beautiful. This person usually doesn’t appear to be the skeevy guy that comes to your mind. I’ve always felt that everyone is suspect, and the more ‘upstanding’ you are and the better ‘credentials’ you have, the more closely I analyze you every move, your every look, your EVERYTHING. It was good to hear that my instinct was right.
The most important ideas I learned to talk children included:
Talk about touching in ‘private’ places, not a good touch and a bad touch. Abusers will do everything to make a child feel good about what’s happening, and a child will not necessarily developmentally understand the connection between a ‘bad touch’ and a ‘private touch’.
Use proper words to describe your child’s anatomy. If the child start referencing their anatomy in a ‘cutesy’ way like ‘winky’, then someone may have taught them that.
If you child discloses something, be matter of fact and non-reactionary. That child is touching their toes into the water to see your reaction. If your eyes pop out of your head, that child can too easily take it as YOU mad at THEM or feeling THEY did something wrong. They developmentally may be unable understand that you are mad at the abuser.
Talk to your child early and often. Give your child examples of situations if someone touches them, that they can tell a teacher or mommy. Focus on them coming to you with the truth (about anything) and they will not be in trouble. Explain no one will be mad at them, explain no matter what the person says, it is NOT their fault.
Give them ways to get out. For example, if they’re at a sleepover, they can call you and say their stomach hurts or they feel like they’re going to throw up. That’s your keyword that something is up, and you need to get them out quick.
Talk to them about friends disclosing what’s happening, and that your child can come to you. That you will not get that child into trouble, nor will your child be in trouble. That you will help them.
When talking to them, be matter of fact. This is mentioned above, but I reference this for preemptive conversations. Instead of getting in their face and saying “is anyone touching you!?” you just have a calm conversation about it.
The most important predatory flags I learned:
Abuser will look for a weak, stressed home system. Perhaps it’s a mom with several children and is overwhelmed. Perhaps it’s a family where the parents are not around a lot. Perhaps it’s a single parent home where the parent is working hard to keep on top of everything. Perhaps it’s a home with financial difficulties.
Abuser will test you. Maybe rub the child’s back/shoulders in front of you and judge your reaction. Maybe ‘accidentally’ walk into the bathroom or bedroom of your child and judge your reaction. May give a hug or a peck on the cheek to judge your reaction (and that of the child)
Abusers are watching YOU as a parent. They’re watching how attentive you are. They are watching how long you’ll stay out of a room for. They’re watching if you’re late picking up your child to practice. They’re watching just how long they have to touch your child.
The most important red flags to watch for:
As referenced above, look for someone that’s testing you.
Look for someone that is always offering to help…offering you loans, offering to watch your children whenever you need, offering to do errands for you, offering more than the average person.
Look for gifts and presents that you didn’t buy for your child. Include this in the talks with them…people may buy the presents for the child and say ‘be sure not to show this to anyone. This is our secret. This is your present and you don’t want anyone to get it or see it.’ Explain that to your child and that they should talk to you if someone is buying the presents.
Look for the ‘friend’ or parent that is wrestling with the kids at your house. The ones everyone says is great to have around because he’ll play with the kids for you. Again, see above about testing you.
Look for someone that’s singling out your child. They want to work with the child more at a sport, or after school, or finding way to be alone with a child or children. Even if it’s a coach offering to give rides home if you’re not there.
Look for someone that’s looking to infiltrate your family. Are they coming over for dinner a lot? Going to the movies with your family? Part of a family birthday party? They’re working on gaining your trust.
Look for someone that tells you “oh, there was a misunderstanding. If our daughter comes to you, THIS is what really happened.” When your child comes to you BELIEVE them, and do not say “oh, your father, uncles, grandfather, whoever told me what happened. It was all a big misunderstanding”
This is not an exhaustive list by any stretch of the imagination, and the talk had even more information packed into it. This is simply what I could recall when asked later to recount what i'd learned. I hope that you will consider attending a talk in the future. Protect your family. Those kids trust you to look out for them.
